transitionu

Life Coaching, Observations, Reflections, Things that make you go hmmmmm

Unto Thy Self? STOP IT!

Unto Thy Self? STOP IT!

I encountered an individual the other night that I’ve done some work with. This individual had not had a good day. The reasons made sense and the individual spoke of their behaviour. We were talking about the triggers and drivers. The individual then made a statement that sent my mind in to pique. Yes I can do that, be inwardly having a major fit and not display outwardly. The individual hit one of my rules in a way that is not of the norm. The individual invalidated their own feelings.

Invalidating feelings is one of the big taboos with me. You do not ever invalidate someone’s feelings. That is rule three in my Rules Of Life*. Rule nine also comes in to play big time! You can use the link to peruse the rules for yourself.

Don’t ever invalidate someone’s feelings
How ever ridiculous or silly or wrong or misplaced you may think someone’s feelings are, they aren’t. You tell someone they shouldn’t feel the way they do and you are headed for a world of trouble. You may wind up wishing you had been eaten by a bear.

It is good and helpful to say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I wish you didn’t feel like that”.

If you find yourself going around and around on the same feeling with a friend or loved one it also helpful to point out the number of times you’ve talked about that feeling and you’re wondering why that feeling remains as is without change.

The person I was speaking with had said a bit earlier in the conversation that day was their birthday. The individual then stated, “I shouldn’t be upset should I, it’s only a stupid birthday right”. The person was looking right at me when they made the statement and I could see in the eyes that the statement was also a search for validation.

Feelings being invalidated are for me akin to the Bat Signal lighting up the sky! I don the cape and scowl and race to the rescue. You read correctly, SCOWL. I put the scowl on, and out, on purpose, with purpose.

When I start to talk the tone and inflection are harder, tougher, more direct. A contrived attention getter with style**.

My coming up like that had the desired effect. The individual I was speaking with focused in on me and what I was conveying. I reminded the person we had had the conversation before regarding invalidating feelings. I said again what I had said previously in our workings that no matter what anyone else may think of your feelings, they are real and they are important.

We followed the invalidating your own feelings path. How by doing it to yourself it is worse than when someone else invalidates your feelings.

So what goes on when you take from your own feeling self? You’re clearly giving yourself the worst of it. Whether you articulate it or not you know it. No matter what you outwardly display, you know it.

Should you find yourself stuck in the place of rationalizing and justifying to ease your emotional burden, talk to someone.

I’ll finish this up with what I started with and you can do it, STOP IT.

G.R. Hambley ©
Certified Professional Coach

* The Rules Of Life Annotated
** A Slice Of Life Of A Life Coach

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4 responses to “Unto Thy Self? STOP IT!

  1. motherhendiaries May 20, 2015 at 9:28 am

    Very good. Actually, this is appropos, not for myself here, but for a friend I have been seeking to offer emotional support and who keeps going round and round the same. exact. issue. A perceived reality of rejection, when in fact no such rejection exists. The feelings are real, sure. But the reality is not. it is very, very hard to help someone unwilling or unable to lift the corner on the next page and move on. We are stuck in a whirlpool, not quite strong enough to pull her under and effect change, yet not weak enough to leave her with no expectation of change. But I am a big believer that anyone who perceives himself a victim will forever BE the victim. I wish I had the words to help her move on and see what everyone else sees.

    Like

    • G. R. Hambley May 20, 2015 at 9:33 am

      (with a nod he says) Thank you again.

      In the moment and I need more than a moment to respond on what you’ve said, I have the comment and I’ll offer up some thoughts before the day is done.

      Liked by 2 people

      • motherhendiaries May 20, 2015 at 9:39 am

        I look forward to it… any help would be a blessing. I love this friend very dearly and her family as well… just want them to be happy.

        Liked by 1 person

      • G. R. Hambley May 20, 2015 at 12:23 pm

        Hey

        With the nature of the beast, question begets question begets question……….. Watch how you frame when you ask questions. Don’t be afraid to say something like this is how what you’re saying appears to me, is this correct? I’m sure you get the idea.

        I get the analogy but up and seeing is a better vision than being pulled under. We fight against being pulled under and do love to be boosted up for a better view.

        A perceived reality of rejection? What event triggered it? The self created reality. I reject your reality and substitute my own. Something all of us will do on occasion.

        My first step with what you’ve told me would be to discuss the perception. The individuals own and what others see. Use the person’s own arguments when you talk. Ask the person if there is room for consideration by them of what you see. You may find that more comes out regarding the event. Be specific on why what you know generates your perspective.

        With coaching it is about getting moving. Plan a follow up to your discussion. No ambiguity, definite follow up. Leave it as we both have things to think about before we talk next and set the date. That should get the person examining the event from different perspectives and be prepared for your next meet. This is a good first step. This is also a change from what is existing for the individual.

        This is about all I can offer because I just don’t know enough.

        My discipline presumes certain things about the client that are very different from a psychiatrist or psychologist.

        Have a peek or peck here,

        https://transitionu.wordpress.com/2014/08/26/coaching-a-definition/

        Liked by 1 person

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