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Life Coaching, Observations, Reflections, Things that make you go hmmmmm

Category Archives: Abuse

Fear and the Alligator Mouth

Fear and the Alligator Mouth

Fear, we all have it within. Fear, the fight or flight mechanism. Fear is good. Fear can keep you safe.

Making someone afraid is bad. Conducting yourself without fear, also bad.

Fear, the healthy respect, it’s eroding and there is good and bad in the erosion.

Unfortunately, one of the fears that is eroding is the fear of getting slapped or punched in the mouth.

It’s just simple physics y’all, action/reaction. Who’s to say the verbal slap isn’t equal to the physical slap? Qualification physics.

Read a few stories about cursing in the work place a few weeks back. The information didn’t surprise me in the least with the conduct I’ve seen over the last decade or so in less formal places. This would include the driver of the vehicle in the cursing incident I’m gonna tell you about.

A few links that’ll give you a jumping off point. All open in a new tab or window.

Who swears more at work, men or women?

Watch Your Mouth! More Women Swear at Work Than Men

Why people go @*@&@(*&! in the office

I witnessed a cursing incident. Wasn’t pleasant and I felt for the person who was in the passenger seat and had to listen to the broadcast. A captive audience to the diatribe of the driver.

I looked at the guy in the passenger seat, give him the palms up with shoulder shrug and look to the heavens with head shaking.

This is a Friday afternoon on hot sunny day in the core of Toronto during rush hour. It’s always tourist season in this city so factor that in too.

Mr Captive Audience returns my gestures. The driver is still dropping the “F” bombs in rapid succession.

Me and the guy, we’re still looking at each other while the driver carries on with the F Bomb Blues. I give him the “can you believe this, what’cha gonna do gesture” again and he gives it back to me.

Meanwhile people are stopping on the street, looking for where this Blue Bird of Unhappiness is chirping from.

Third time is the charm right? Well me and that guy, we go through the, “I don’t know, can you believe this shit” shrugging ritual again and, and, and the driver sees him do it.

Then I felt even worse, that poor, poor, bastard. The guy was gonna have to explain to the woman the “what the hell was that?” that she’d just seen. Right then a gap opens and she’s in to it and moving off, slowly.

As they move off to the east I’m left standing there watching them go and thinking, “Fare thee well you poor, poor, bastard”.

Girls have their RITES and so do guys. Only a guy can understand what is going to happen next. While men and women are the same species, maybe, we are vastly different creatures.

Completely oblivious to what’s going on around her. The guy is going to have to tell her the outburst was heard by a whole lot of people. He’s going to have to tell her he wasn’t real pleased to be a part of the centre of attention.

I could tell he didn’t condone the action and I’m hoping that little tidbit of information gets passed along to little Ms ME. No not “Medical Examiner and yes “Millennium Entitled”. Hey maybe it was a different inflated entitlement. Or just maybe, and as much as women like to protest they can’t be such a thing, (yeah they can) she was just an asshole.

I’m betting she’ll tell him, “I don’t fucking care”. Any takers? Just to be safe, that bet, it’s rhetorical.

It’s a whole lot different when a guy does it and it’s a woman in the passenger seat.

Now when a woman tells a man about his behaviour, he’s expected to be contrite and appreciative of the efforts that fine woman has made to show him the error of his ways. But if a man does the same, he’s insensitive for not being on her side. Doesn’t matter she was carrying on like a braying jackass. The guy is wrong and the woman is right.

Brings to mind using sex as a weapon and why guys will just shut the hell up or stick up. Sex as a weapon, that’s a sordid tale for another time.

Her outburst had to do with being late and not being able to move faster in rush hour traffic. She was held up. Her getting to where she had to go, her only consideration. She was about that close to a self-induced persecution complex.

Male or female, the ones running their alligator mouths are going to be the ones expecting their friends and family to auto back them.

The infamous “Hummingbird Ass”, there are more and more of them vocalizing every day because they do not fear. This is bad.

Backing them, you’ll probably have to do so one way or another because that “Alligator Mouth” overloaded what is most probably a “Hummingbird Ass”. Not going to take the chance on them getting reamed or hurt. Especially if you’re a guy, you got no choice but to stand up. Even if you’d like to take a strip off the asshole her yourself on this one, (with the accompanying head shake and eye roll) you gotta stand up.

Women are real good for calling guys on what they do. How about paying attention to and emulating what men don’t do instead of emulating what you think they do?

As always, I’ve talked to those of both sexes about what I see and what I think. The good people in my community are good enough to tell me what they see and think. A diverse bunch and I appreciate them all!

We talked about the lack of fear in personal deportment. Conduct if you prefer. Lessons imparted that help bad things not happen, too you.

Apparently, in this century, cursing is the new civility. Well maybe for women in the office, walking down the street and potty mouth groups heading for a potty break.

Angry is the new happy. Just like fear, anger can and does elicit the fight/flight response. Pretty much the same effect as an alligator mouth overloading a hummingbird ass. That response would be walk away or slap you fucking silly.

Not all slaps are physical. The verbal ones can hurt more than a physical slap and take much longer to heal, if at all. The verbal slap is quite likely to be more inviting to make response. And then it’s on and it’s ugly and no one needs it.

Within the confined quarters on an automobile, that cursing the world behaviour gets real old real fast.

Now we got a few kinds of abuse going on. Physical maybe, it’s emotional for sure and then there is abuse of the word. I detest the abuse of the word.

I trust you’ve had a look at the links I’ve included.

Women have got to start being accountable for what they do. Especially so when in an environment where they invented the current fucking language, the office. Women can’t be playing the, “Well men do it” card when they are the biggest offenders.

If you’ve read me some, you know as a certainty that I talk with the people in my community. Some of what we talk about is what we’ve seen, encountered, bypassed on the street.

Again, if you’ve read me you know I’m a smoker. I pop out for one and take in what’s going on around me. Sometimes I just pop out because moving around helps the thought process.

When the cursing is cascading down the street in 4 or 5 part disharmony, more often than not it is women.

The community standard, gratuitous cursing is unattractive and uncomfortable. The result is ostracising. Judicious cursing, can be effective and appreciated. Oddly, the community standard operates just that way.

I’m not going to pull a holier-than-thou televangelist routine and pretend I don’t curse because I do. I’m not going to lie to you and say when I curse it’s all for effect cuz it isn’t.

Thing is, and I get it, cursing derives from the word curse. Not many people seem to understand that and it is a shame, all they’re really accomplishing with the behaviour is putting a curse on themselves.

I’m a proponent of being able to use all the words. Simply, male or female, cursing as a regular part of your vocabulary, it isn’t attractive. I haven’t been real comfortable dropping the expletives in to this piece. There has been muttering under my breath which has included epithets.

Of course you are free to carry on as you like. While you’re carrying on, consider this.

With angry as the new happy, and people putting up with much less, one way or another, your alligator mouth could be on the receiving end of a well deserved slap and merit badge.

If you require further illumination, see rule 10.

G.R. Hambley ©
August 23, 2017

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If I Can Do It

If I Can Do It

If I can do it, you can do it!

The truth is, no, you can’t do what I do. Before you hurt yourself, or someone else, stop it!

I was asked about how I felt about the statement, “If I can do it, you can do it”. The asker’s context had to do with the statement as applied to someone with an addiction.

We aren’t talking trivialities here. This is not about the annoyance of someone who can and someone who can’t put a dish in the dishwasher.

The question was given to me with the following;
Not only was the tone condescending, the phrase itself seems to  imply “no matter how difficult your struggle may be, mine was even more so, yet I overcame it. So you really have no excuse.”

Lets move to the application of that phrase that we have no problem accepting, advertising.  Silly people think running that phrase out is a motivator and will boost sales.

My response included not only my disdain for that “Then you can” statement and the attackers who run it out as well as my disgust with the, “Give it your 110%” crowd. You aint got 110% so stop trying to give what you aint got! It’s making you nuts, stop it!

On any given day your 100% is different. Some days you’ll accomplish more. Some days you’ll accomplish less. Most days, you’ll accomplish about the same. At the end of the day if you can honestly say you gave it your 100%, you’re doing just fine. If you’re being told your 100% isn’t good enough, exploring why isn’t a bad thing to do.

Back to the main feature, “If I can do it, you can do it”.

That statement/action hits a few of my trigger points bang on. The passive/aggressive and the emotionally controlling brought to you by your local know nothing at all.

The term we’re talking about here is “Attack Therapy”. I do not believe in that approach because I believe attacking someone is going to result in failure. Then of course there is the fact the person being attacked isn’t at their best. You just don’t know what your attacking is going to do to an already problem psyche!

If “Attack Therapy” is something you believe you need, punch this in to your search engine, “Landmark Forum Attack Therapy”. I went to one of Landmark’s information sessions; couldn’t believe the audacity of one of Landmark’s individuals getting up in my face and not wanting to back down.

My masthead way up there says, “Certified Professional Coach”. The guy at Landmark Forum who was  up in my face, he wasn’t. No matter how much he wanted to believe or have me think he is a coach, he wasn’t and never will be; at least not a good one. He hasn’t got the sensitivity required and being trained in “Attack Therapy”, he never will because he is about beating you down in to submission and building you up in the Landmark Image.

I wasn’t in the least pleased with this individuals acting out. You could also call the display, “Displaying”. Look that up in your guide to the animal kingdom. We’re animals too folks.

I  made a bold statement myself, “no, you can’t do it”. My statement will cause some to be angry with me and others to think I’m full of it. Fair enough. I get it. I understand the mindset.

I’m asking that you process this a little different. I’m talking about an encounter that angered me. I was angry and didn’t flat out blast the perpetrator. I needed to find out just how full of shit this guy was and plan my counterattack. We can call it “Compose my rebuttal” if you prefer.

Getting someone backed down or brought down without creating a scene, quickly, one of my skills. Throwing your hands in the air, turning your back and walking away does not constitute deescalating the situation and making your point. It is important to make your point so the other person knows just how much you appreciated their action(s)!

“You did it so I can do it” you say? Maybe you can. Maybe you got in your personal makeup what I and some others got in our personal makeup. Having that makeup doesn’t give you the right to embarrass, humiliate or attempt to control someone. Fact is, if you really got the parts, you wouldn’t of laid that trip round the psyche on your victim.

Well “La Dee Da” is what a few have given to me in response to me talking about things I don’t do.

The defence mechanism of belief that says I am being condescending and seeing the person I’m speaking with as inferior to me. The belief that I’ve just told them, “If I can do it, you can do it”.

That belief position doesn’t stay with the individual for long because I won’t have it! They are enlightened directly. I don’t use, “You’ve offended me snowflake tactics” to enlighten those people either. Doing so would be an emotionally controlling tactic and that’s just wrong.

For those encounters to have happened at all means these people have been subjected to the “If I can do it, you can do it”, emotional control people have tried to exert on them.

There are far better ways than attacking to stimulate, motivate and support people.

A few days ago I got talking with an individual and the problem is addiction and the person came right out and said it in their telling me of their upset.

I just let the person go. When there was a falter after the initial rush, I said one word to the person, “Headspace”. The person shrugged and exhaled and very softly said, “yeah”.

I just waited and then I did something else that I can do and you can’t. I told the individual that they, “Absolutely Should” do something. I’m also very big on not telling people what they should do. The “If I can do it, you can do it” statement is also telling someone what they should do.

When I let loose the, “You absolutely should”, it was as affirmation and support. The individual was lamenting about not speaking up and letting their feelings be known.

I saw the person a couple days later. In a better frame of mind and with a thank you for me.

I tried a couple times informally working with people who have addiction and eventually I had to cut all ties. It had to be done and it wasn’t pleasant.

I don’t deal with addiction. I do not have the skill set to work with people with addiction. Just because someone else can do it doesn’t mean I can.

I aint got the parts and I know it. Those parts include wanting to and I don’t.

If you could see my contacts at a certain site, you would see a number of people with the word “Psycho” in their job title. These are the people you wanna talk to. Along with the physicality and emotionality of addiction there is the brain chemistry to be considered. These are the people that got a skill set you may need.

Those people can do it with addiction, I can’t and never will. This is called knowing and understanding your limitations.

G.R. Hambley ©
July 08, 2018
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Going Clean – Lyric

Going Clean

Lyric

Whispers in the air
Eyebrows raising up
Pretending not to hear
Taking in what’s said
Sure it stings but…
If you play the show
If you let them know
It’s not what they think they’ve seen
It’s their ending and you’re never gonna be clean

Waiting out on the stairs
You pass and laughter erupts
Won’t let them see you tear
Hair hiding the ears gone red
Sure it hurts but…
If you play the game
If you let them blame
It’s not what they think they’ve seen
It’s their ending and you’re never gonna be clean

Watching for an angry flair
Voices telling you you disgust
Head up smiling ear to ear
None of those voices a friend
Sure it’s hate but…
If you jump on in
If you give up the win
You know what they think they’ve seen
You know in their ending you’re never gonna be clean…

You know what happens if you go mean
You know being like them makes you… unclean

G.R. Hambley ©
May 21, 2017

 

Left Unsaid

Left Unsaid

Whispers and rustles making the rounds
Sighs and gasps the disbelieving sounds
It’s between us, no one must, couldn’t ever be us

Now we’ve got these suspicious fears with tears
After silently wanting you for so many years
Finding us was a must, we can still be us

Your face burning red, filling me with dread
For everyone’s best, keep it all left unsaid
Now look it’s gone to dust and it can still be us

          Minute after minute, hour after hour, time after time
          Behind that door where the ridiculous goes to sublime

Whispers and hints of tryst year round
Sighs and love gasps your sleep sounds
This stays between us, no one must, it’s about only us

Now we’ve got no suspicion, only your tears with fears
After silently watching you two all these years
Finding out was a must, you two will have no us

Your mouth running red, didn’t matter that you pled
For everyone’s best, keep it all left unsaid
Now look at all that rust, one word and you’re dust

          Behind that door where the ridiculous went to crime
          Minute after minute, hour after hour, cry after cry

You don’t even know that you’ve already died

G.R. Hambley ©
April 24, 2017