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Life Coaching, Observations, Reflections, Things that make you go hmmmmm

Category Archives: Pain

Rite of Passage or Practical Indignancy 101

Rite of Passage or Practical Indignancy 101

On 2 June, 2017 I made the visit to the new to me Pain Clinic I spoke of in my eHealth Ontario piece.

I went in with the information sheets filled out. Didn’t pull any punches on the forms. One of the questions was, “What would you like your doctor to do with the pain”. My written response, “Give it to the individual that hit me”. If you know me, you damn well know I did so write it down and you’re laughing because doing that is so me!

Yes, I brought out some theatre. Yes I brought out some of my intelligent donkey and yes I made it known I wasn’t pleased to be having to do the same things again because there is next to nothing in the way of records attached to me.

Put more simply, you gotta rise to the occasion!

I went in there prepared to make a stand and with an open mind. Both objectives were accomplished.

No nonsense, no pretense, no side stepping. Oddly as I was being examined, I was never questioned about my answer to the “what do you want done with your pain” question.

You’d think the Docs would of wanted to discuss my B.A. (bad attitude) but nary a word.

The initial questioning was done by a resident. Poor dear girl, exposing one so young to a mind like this.

Going through the info sheets and the Resident asking me if there was anything else that made the pain feel better, and I said, “Not without a partner”. A blank look on a doctor’s face after you’ve answered their question, priceless! I don’t know how anyone else feels but, I don’t think you should have to explain the benefits of sex to a doctor, even one in training.

It is incumbent on you to tell your health care professionals the truth. It is in your best interest to be emotionally present when discussing your condition(s). They have to know your mindset as well as your physical status. Complete communication is not an invitation to go off on a rant. A rant  is singular expression and not communication in a good way.

The simple explanation is that there is a long history of dealing with chronic pain attached to me and I still have chapters to go. I had a lot to say and I did a lot of talking during this examination.

No, no seeing doctors as Gods by me. Doctors are just body mechanics. I’ll grant you they oversee the most complex machines on the planet but they’re still mechanics.

I made certain both doctors, the anesthesiology resident and the specialist were clear on what I wouldn’t do. A stand had to be made. I am simply not going to keep doing what doesn’t work and relating it to new faces any longer.

I’ve been dealing with chronic pain far longer than those that need it will receive palliative care. My demand is simple, give me the same considerations in my medical dealings with chronic pain that would be given to an individual in Palliative care.

Palliative care is a multidisciplinary approach to specialized medical care for people with life-limiting illnesses. It focuses on providing people with relief from the symptoms, pain, physical stress, and mental stress of the terminal diagnosis.

I’ve been living with chronic pain almost 1/2 my life. Oddly mine too is Osteoarthritis. What the court did is good because the Feds didn’t get it correct with Bill C-14, Medical Assisted Dying and that piece of legislation still needs work.

Let’s not be reading things in to the statements I’m making that aren’t there. I’ve a 150 year life plan that is my harmless little fantasy so leave me the hell alone.

Part of your decision must come from dealing with the reality of your own impending death. You are setting a termination date for yourself and that reality may help you examine your pain more closely. I would hope the death reality would make you examine more closely.

I’m tired of building the history when I have to see someone new. Hell. I’m tired of seeing the new. I’m tired of the slight variations in a molecular chain that just might make a positive difference for me. But we’ll have to try different dosages to see which will work, if any of course.

I enjoy my mind quite a bit. With all that goes on up there in my head space, I love my mind. Of course I talk to myself a lot. But then I show other people the conversations I’ve had with myself. This is called writing and it is how writing gets done. Talking to yourself and not writing it down is called something entirely different.

We are talking antidepressants here. Depression was part of the consultation conversation. By definition I am depressed. Going by the definition given to me by one pain clinic doctor, I’ve been depressed 30 days less than I’ve had pain. I wasn’t real pleased when the event took place so let’s call it 20 days.

I’m tired of having my brain chemistry tinkered with so I’m not going to take on the new old with a slightly different chain. I’m not taking it on despite telling the Doctor in charge that I would. Yup, I flat out lied to the Doctor. The Doc got to feel  good that he’d done something good for me and I got him to stop pulling out stops.

I’m a creative. My mind is never off. I’ve been through this idea of treatment before and I can show you in my journal where my handwriting changes back to what it was when I stopped taking those mind altering drugs previously.

I’m still trying to figure out how me sleeping 25% longer, keeping me horizontal 25% longer is going to make me feel better. Especially so when the problem is I have to get up and move around to feel better. Doc didn’t have an answer for that.

The Doc did make the point of all drugs affecting the mind and that is true BUT, not all drugs directly affect cognizance and antidepressants do.

The consultation wrapped up and the primary clinic doc looks at me and says, “Degenerative” and I looked right back at him and said, “Yup”.

My demeanor and disposition are much improved with the decisions I’ve made. I’m not shutting off and tuning out. You present me a possible treatment option that is new and I’ll listen.

I know this stuff and if I need more help I’ll ask. I’ll keep regular with my primary pain doctor so he’s up to speed on what’s slowing me down.

I shall go forward in life happier because I’ve eliminated a major stressor!

G.R. Hambley ©
June 22, 2017

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Going Clean – Lyric

Going Clean

Lyric

Whispers in the air
Eyebrows raising up
Pretending not to hear
Taking in what’s said
Sure it stings but…
If you play the show
If you let them know
It’s not what they think they’ve seen
It’s their ending and you’re never gonna be clean

Waiting out on the stairs
You pass and laughter erupts
Won’t let them see you tear
Hair hiding the ears gone red
Sure it hurts but…
If you play the game
If you let them blame
It’s not what they think they’ve seen
It’s their ending and you’re never gonna be clean

Watching for an angry flair
Voices telling you you disgust
Head up smiling ear to ear
None of those voices a friend
Sure it’s hate but…
If you jump on in
If you give up the win
You know what they think they’ve seen
You know in their ending you’re never gonna be clean…

You know what happens if you go mean
You know being like them makes you… unclean

G.R. Hambley ©
May 21, 2017

 

Heartless – Lyric

Heartless

Lyric

It begins again in confusion
Some kind of grand illusion
Where it ends there’s no real telling
It’ll come without warning
I’ll be gone
leaving you quietly wondering
So why we starting this story?

It carries on in its fashion
Some nights of grand passion
When it ends there’s no real telling
It’ll come some morning
I’ll be gone
leaving you quietly crying
So why we turning this page?

It fails with a head on collision
Some words of persuasion
Why it ends is because it’s suffocating
It’ll come without you ever believing
I’ll be gone
leaving you quietly hating
So why we playing this romance novel?

I’m gone and… you’re crying
I’m gone and… you’re wondering
I’m gone and… you’re hating
I’m gone and… you had the heartless warning

G.R. Hambley ©
May 05, 2017

Falling Apart – Lyric

Falling Apart

(Lyric)

These days are almighty long
the nights so lonely
Giving the best for the cheque
spending nights in hazy dread
Remembering those afternoon delights
now none and nowhere to be found

Born to be worn on
worn on down
set down deep

Flew far from what wasn’t home
so much done with no regret
Climbing on to the last dance dream
never noticed the music end
Left alone to the falling apart
the hopes all slipping away

Born to be worn on
worn on down
set down deep

Young they say is wasted on the young
thirty-three and don’t remember when
Mirror, mirror where’d it all go
lines long as sidewalk cracks
What’s left not what it started out to be
no one to run to too tell

Born to be worn on
worn on down
set down deep

No solace, no consolation prize
can’t even get blind
There’s so little point anymore
it’s all fallen apart
Tears from a lost life dripping
drying on the gun in hand

Born to be worn on
worn on down
set down deep
down deep in the ground

G.R. Hambley ©
December 18, 2016

You No More – Lyric

You No More

(Lyric)

Sometimes you just know
just know you got no more
no more love left to give

You’ve gone round and round
and round one more time
more time won’t change this back

I’ve stood down and I’ve stood up
stood up when others talked down
down when I knew you lied again (rest 2 3 4)

You gotta know your hold is gone
You gotta know there’s no more
You gotta know, I gave you all, all, all… of me
Oh Oh…, you gotta know… (rest 2 3 4)

There’s gonna be someone else
someone else after I’m over you
over you and your ghost is gone

You never loved what you had
you had someone who just cared
just cared about you and no other

Won’t have hands holding my heart
my loving heart belongs beside another
beside another that knows how to love (rest 2 3 4)

You gotta know your hold is gone
You gotta know there’s no more
You gotta know, I gave you all, all, all… of me
Oh Oh…, you gotta know… (rest 2 3 4)

In love all alone had to end…
had to end so I could be free…
be free to love another… (rest 2 3 4)

You gotta know, I’ll give her all, all, all… of me
Oh Oh…, you gotta know… Oh Oh…, you gotta know…
she’ll be good to only me

G.R. Hambley ©
November 01, 2016

In The Quiet Of The Night – Lyric

In The Quiet Of The Night

(Lyric)

Half past midnight and finally free
free from the demands of a clamoring world
World moving so fast it’s hard to keep your feet
feet feel like miles and the miles feel like hell
Hell just might be the better place to hang
hang until these blues fade back to black

So so good to be here alone
alone with the quiet of the night

Tryin’ to drift away like in that old song
song in my heart that’ll maybe save my soul
Soul feels like it’s been laid out bare
bare and stripped away from the bone
Bone tired with a mind gone out of touch
touch is something that I’ve been out of too

So so good to be here alone
alone with the quiet of the night

Heart needs to let the head fly free
free to make a little fantasy flight
Flight from here to there with no ticket to return
return for what when there’s no who at home
Home as empty as the liars solemn promise
promise of the wish made on a shooting star

So so good to be here alone
alone with the quiet of the night

Stars fading in and out among the clouds
clouds drifting away to where they go
Go quietly with that good night they do
Do I or don’t I just blindly turn away
Away with the blues and the black too
too many nights left to go on lonely but…

So so good to be here alone
alone and living with the quiet of the night

G.R. Hambley ©
October 27ish, 2016

Fallen Angel – Lyric

Fallen Angel

Lyric

Newly fallen she wakes to a different world today
And she’s never
never been on her own before
Went from home on the hill to a home on loan
And she doesn’t have
have even a single soul she can call
Tears are dried, makeup’s so artfully applied
And when she leaves
leaves the door to her heart locked up tight

Prowling round, lost and won’t be found
Angel fell from such an unhappy place
Angel landed in such a strange space
Angel with no smile on her face

The turning heads say she’s coming this way
And there she is
she’s the haunted hunting kind
Nails tapping out some tune only she knows
And she’s marking time
time stepping along the broken road of her life
Not seeing at all and seeing everyone she passed by
And she’s aloof
aloof in the world that’s her lonely desire

          Prowling round, lost and can’t be found
          Angel fell from a place of fame
          Angel landed in the space of blame
          Angel with the face of shame

Spends her day roaming blindly from shop to shock
And she cries
cries tears that no one will ever see fall
Heads her way home to die a little more behind that door
And she hates
hates that tomorrow is just one more heartless day
One more loveless day gone in a broken angel’s paradise
And she wants
wants the world to turn again for her for just one day

G.R Hambley ©
October 03, 2016

Crashing Down – Lyric

Crashing Down

Lyric

Day slides it’s way to the end
Not looking forward to going home
Turning in at that bend in the road
Rather be making a long drive alone

Sun’s last look leaves only gloom
Dark’s close to what’s got my heart
Putting a smile on top of my blue
Any reason not to have it all start

Round and round we’ll go,
     without any hope in sight
Round and round we’ll go,
     without any end to the night

Barely made it through the door
Accusations already being thrown
Shouldn’t be treating me so poor
No reason for her to be cursin’

Wondering where she’s getting this
Never ever been reason for cause
In her eyes a burning mist
Turns away leaving me at a loss

Gotten to whenever I look,
     our world is crashing down
Gotten to whenever I think,
     we’re both gonna drown

Thoughts going round so slowly
So this is caught up in a whirlpool
Hanging on to whatever saves me
Feeling like being played for a fool

Right down to the brass tacks
Come early in the morning
Gonna just make my tracks
Cuz I’m all done caring

Never saw things with you going,
     from white to black
Never saw things with you where,
     there’d be no going back

G.R. Hambley ©
August 07,2016

Departure Gate – Lyric

Departure Gate

Lyric

Fretting over it hour after hour
Worrying about it night after night
Feeling it fall week after week
Been knowing it for months now

Needing a plane to take me far,
gotta go, go girl to make it to another day
Needing a plane to take me far,
gotta fly, fly girl to make things fade away

Sitting here having some doubts
Those were the days thoughts
Flipping the phone off and on
Hearing your ring makes me sigh

Waiting on a plane to take me far,
gotta fly, fly girl to work things out of the grey
Waiting on a plane to take me far,
gotta go, go girl to get this life going my way

“If only” was said so many times
Nearly got to where I’d stay
Then came the tears and I knew
Closed the door and we were through

Wanting this plane to take me far,
gotta go, go girl and get out of this rain
Wanting this plane to take me far,
gotta fly, fly girl and start all over again

G.R. Hambley ©
June 04, 2016

Chronological Posting List

Angels Obliged – Act 1

Angels Obliged

Act I

Looking down on the world so frail
Can’t stop the feeling all this will fail
Won’t be able to stop my own demise

The consequences for all so dire
Could one lone angel end this fire
There’s the real chance of no return

Feeling the point of frightened flight
Closer still to making the stand to fight
Must be true to what makes you, You

What can one Angel do to end these evils doing
Why must it be this Angel alone to see beyond hell

Burning to get out, the evils beyond hell
Cries to heaven and the unholy swell
The wings unfold the sword slides free

It could be that saving them is wrong
The mighty one may want them gone
Only answers coming from a mad mind

Stepping off the edge of this grey cloud
Flying fast with no other soul around
Left to fate and it’ll be all our graves

Can this one Angel be enough to end these evils doing
Can it be this lone Angel to reach beyond hell

Calling out with greatest urgency
No where can there be a place for mercy
Winner takes all in the valley of souls

Won’t you join this too big quest for one
A wayward angel’s angel spies fun
Them or we, death by high decree

Horses saddled and fully adorned
Winged one to me, to you goes the horned
I’ll fly on high while you ride below

Two Angels going to end these evils doing
Two Angels to fight what’s beyond hell

Journey’s onset leading two to onslaught
One prays, one brays “not for naught”
Two weapons with wisdom from the one

Winged ones looking off horizon bound
Horned ones plodding the underground
Each to the other unseen, wills to minds

World vibrating in stifling maudlin ways
Creatures vowing their own they’ll slay
Allegiances being sworn to an unholy three

Special Angels march to end these evils doing
Special Angels to quell what’s beyond hell

End Act I

G.R. Hambley ©
May 12, 2016

Chronological Posting List