transitionu

Life Coaching, Observations, Reflections, Things that make you go hmmmmm

Category Archives: Pain

Departure Gate – Lyric

Departure Gate

Lyric

Fretting over it hour after hour
Worrying about it night after night
Feeling it fall week after week
Been knowing it for months now

Needing a plane to take me far,
gotta go, go girl to make it to another day
Needing a plane to take me far,
gotta fly, fly girl to make things fade away

Sitting here having some doubts
Those were the days thoughts
Flipping the phone off and on
Hearing your ring makes me sigh

Waiting on a plane to take me far,
gotta fly, fly girl to work things out of the grey
Waiting on a plane to take me far,
gotta go, go girl to get this life going my way

“If only” was said so many times
Nearly got to where I’d stay
Then came the tears and I knew
Closed the door and we were through

Wanting this plane to take me far,
gotta go, go girl and get out of this rain
Wanting this plane to take me far,
gotta fly, fly girl and start all over again

G.R. Hambley ©
June 04, 2016

Chronological Posting List

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Angels Obliged – Act 1

Angels Obliged

Act I

Looking down on the world so frail
Can’t stop the feeling all this will fail
Won’t be able to stop my own demise

The consequences for all so dire
Could one lone angel end this fire
There’s the real chance of no return

Feeling the point of frightened flight
Closer still to making the stand to fight
Must be true to what makes you, You

What can one Angel do to end these evils doing
Why must it be this Angel alone to see beyond hell

Burning to get out, the evils beyond hell
Cries to heaven and the unholy swell
The wings unfold the sword slides free

It could be that saving them is wrong
The mighty one may want them gone
Only answers coming from a mad mind

Stepping off the edge of this grey cloud
Flying fast with no other soul around
Left to fate and it’ll be all our graves

Can this one Angel be enough to end these evils doing
Can it be this lone Angel to reach beyond hell

Calling out with greatest urgency
No where can there be a place for mercy
Winner takes all in the valley of souls

Won’t you join this too big quest for one
A wayward angel’s angel spies fun
Them or we, death by high decree

Horses saddled and fully adorned
Winged one to me, to you goes the horned
I’ll fly on high while you ride below

Two Angels going to end these evils doing
Two Angels to fight what’s beyond hell

Journey’s onset leading two to onslaught
One prays, one brays “not for naught”
Two weapons with wisdom from the one

Winged ones looking off horizon bound
Horned ones plodding the underground
Each to the other unseen, wills to minds

World vibrating in stifling maudlin ways
Creatures vowing their own they’ll slay
Allegiances being sworn to an unholy three

Special Angels march to end these evils doing
Special Angels to quell what’s beyond hell

End Act I

G.R. Hambley ©
May 12, 2016

Chronological Posting List

Recollections

Recollections

The summer days that had sweetly, gently, turned to next
Holding together as the nights crept their way away
One hot day rolling in to the sultry windblown night
Sleeping and finding that yesterday is back again today

Early morning brings a sweater chill, gone away by ten
Walking hand in hand through crackling autumn leaves
It’s getting late early, seeing our old friend rise to greet us
Sweethearts seen in an unending kiss by the harvest moon

Tasty flakes floating down, caught on waiting tongues
Fluffy snow just begging for new angels to be made
Unusually warm you say for such a cold winter’s day
Looking at you, a little lovin’ like we’d been told Eskimos do

Days are getting longer again, didn’t think they ever would
April is heading in to May and the world comes out to play
You’ve been gone not so very long, only seems like forever
Spring flowers blossom brightly where I’ve laid you to rest

G.R. Hambley ©
April 29, 2016

Chronological Posting List

 ~.~.~.~.~

The last two lines are what happens when you make a sudden left followed by an immediate down. I don’t so much steer these things, I just record where they go.

The course was plotted and laid in for smooth happy voyage beginning to end. I got to the 2nd last line and it took off like a rocket and I let it go.

For those of you that may prefer an alternative happier ending, enjoy.

Days are getting longer again, didn’t think they ever would
April is heading in to May and the world comes out to play
You making the bed where our favourite flowers will grow
Softly settling beside you to kiss, “I love you” in your ear

Now It’s Twenty Seven Years!

Now it’s twenty seven years!

Celebrating the unhappy anniversary number of twenty and seven. I generally do a bells check at the anniversary date. By bells I mean the state of me physically and emotionally. There are other bells and the last time I checked they were all still where they belong.

Been doing this self assessment for a number of years at the anniversary date because it helps me take an honest look at the changes in me over the last year.

For those of you new to me, I have presented in the past that it was an MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident), March 5th, 1989 that my life changed in an instant. That I was rear ended is about all you need to know here.

The anniversary refers more to the aftermath than the accident itself. I am now 27 years without a pain free day. I was thinking about being pain free and I simply cannot remember anymore what that it was like to be without pain. For me, like many others, pain is normal, pain is usual, pain is a constant. Hell, I don’t even wonder anymore what it would be like to be, at least on occasion, pain free. I imagine it is just the same for other chronic pain sufferers that have endured the very long haul.

The last year had a drug change for me. The change in consultation with my Doctor has me taking something beyond acetaminophen. Been taking the drug for about 6 months now and this thing has its merits and its pitfalls. The drug is Gabapentin which was designed for epileptics to block signals from the brain to nerves. The drug is also used by those including me that do not suffer from epilepsy.

The drug doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot for the Osteoarthritis. What points the drug hit certainly give much appreciated relief. A few years back I was receiving nerve blocker shots once a week. Duration of the effect was about 2 ½ days and there were so many spots to hit all areas couldn’t be hit. Only so much of the solution you could have in a week. The day of getting the shots was rough, just wanted to get home and lie down for 2 or 3 hours after the procedure.

The capsules daily, for me, a far better management mechanism!

I’ve stated previously my reasoning on why I didn’t take much of anything for pain. For me it is all about the cognitive. If I don’t have the cognitive functionality I am going to be one very unhappy individual! Using Gabapentin I remain cognitively fine. The side effect of some physical wobbles isn’t so bad. Especially not bad if you bump in to someone soft and not a wall!

This “El Nino” winter has been more challenging than last year when it was a frigid one. I went so far last year as to name the 2nd month of the year, “FrickUary”. I’m also S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) so by this time of the winter I’ve had more than enough of it for several people! The only thing that really works for me is natural light, sunshine. Even in January and February, if it’s cold and sunny I’m generally not bad. I do take vitamin and mineral supplements as worked out with my Doctor.

This year it has been very warm, very damp and with very little sunshine. I’ve felt it big time. The winter blues magnified greatly. I was more output visibly productive writing last year in “FrickUary” than I was this year in February. I have a few things on the go including a major poetic work.

Visible output, I have a standard that I set for myself. I only compete with myself and that is big enough task for anyone. Competing with yourself, challenging yourself. I’ve done that big time in the last year by finally getting lyric poetry down and down real well. “Baby Be Mine” was the last one I wrote and I’m especially fond of “From The Stars” for the lyric and the photograph of mine.

I’ve had to pay closer attention and examine myself as the drug masks sensation. There has been more noticeable deterioration this year. I do fidget more and believe in some way the fidgeting is a benefit from having some degree of pain relief. I think better when I move so this is very good! Seeing me writing is a strange sight indeed to those who don’t know me.

The book that is still in progress on my experience with chronic pain, my narrative writing has become better in the last year. I’ve been in and out of that endeavour some. Don’t know if I should have been on that book more or not. I’m going to go with the chronic pain book is in the exact spot it is supposed to be in at this point in time.

I added a second blog spot in the past year. That blog spot, SPASM Canada is where I can exorcise my intelligent donkey more freely. My idea of the separation of church and state if you like.

I’ve had a few blessings this year and one very special one in particular that has been a wonderful help creatively and personally a good friend.

Dealing with pain, any pain, is never easy. Physical pain plays on us emotionally as well. We all have to find our own way to cope and hopefully we don’t get lost in the journey.

I know I’ll continue along the path a little slower and with no less resolve. I’ll have another update for you next year on this date.

Take care of you and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

G.R. Hambley
March 05, 2016

PS … An intelligent donkey is a smart ass and I’m a good one!

Paws For The Cause

Paws For The Cause

I’ve been trying to write pretty. I like writing pretty because of how it makes me feel. I’ve gotten some out and got some in the works.

I was working on something I believe will be pretty epic. Haven’t decided yet if the piece is going to end exhilarated or tragic. Where it is I can go either way. The certainty of the piece is that there is going to be a hell of a lot of pain.

The world keeps showing up and I find myself obligated to look and read and participate. What else anyone does or doesn’t do, their own volition. Me, I do what I can. What I can do is use my weapons of mass persuasion and drop in to the conscience of those that read me the things that blew me out of my pretty mode.

Yesterday (January 14, 2016) my notification bubble came up as I was writing. I could see who it was from and the subject. The email came from someone close and the subject was, “Upsetting”. The sender gets responses from me quickly. The person is on my you aren’t a disturbance list and always will be.

The note came from a friend on the Dark Continent. I read and looked at what I was given and things including my mood got a whole lot darker real fast.

What I read was disturbing enough. What I saw was, I can’t even find a damn word to describe what I felt when I saw. Thing is, from where it came from I knew it was real. What I saw wasn’t a prop for some horror film. I am so angry. Writing in to here I am still so angry. This isn’t the worst trip I’ve been on but is right fucking up there.

It was real. It is real. This and more are real. I am compelled to have you share the reality with me.

 

Paw 02

 

Sangoma, the believed culprit.
Sangoma, traditional healer.
Sangoma, Witch Doctor.

You see the thin rope tied around the paw. The belief is that the paw was used by Sangoma in a ritual that has to do with someone having financial difficulties, bankruptcy or poverty.

Someone pays the Witch Doctor to change their fortunes. You just saw what price the animal pays.

 

Paw 01

 

How’s that for reality? This is not gleaned information to create a tug on your heart strings piece.

My friend tells me what you just saw is a very common thing over there. Africans paying Sangomas to cast spells.

What you’ve seen isn’t even as disgusting and sickening as this tale is going to get.

I keep finding myself having to go back and edit far more than I usually do. I’m having a difficult time with composition. Telling a story well takes a certain amount of detachment no matter how attached you are personally. This shit does get my anger meter rising fast.

I’m big time attached. I’m big time angry and I’m big time questioning why the 1st World continues to help the 3rd World when they simply refuse to clean up their shit. They want our money. They want our expertise. They want our help removing their despots. Yet the shit that angers the 1st word goes on without what appears to be any consideration for the ways of the 1st world.

There is some sense of entitlement and I’ve been told about it. Told about it in the sense of 2 friends having a conversation. Me with 1st world perspectives and my friend with 3rd world perspectives.

I’m fully aware that the 1st world isn’t lily white in our dealings and some will grease the skids for easier access. We in the 1st world will also bring ours involved in corruption to task when we catch them. The 3rd world is more understanding, lenient, an acceptable cost of doing business.

The rest of this story gets even more gruesome. Nothing like a little human harvest to set the nightmare scene is there. Not a question.

Maybe a lighter mood? A joke to put you in the giggle groove?

So a wife walks in to the kitchen to make dinner, opens up the fridge and looks inside. Much to her surprise all there is to make are human hearts and other human organs. Quite the dream scream.

True story and yes I do know how and why those body parts got in the fridge. The upside if there is an upside, those body parts weren’t taken from anyone who was using them at the time. The harvesting of organs for sale to Sangomas.

Sangomas use body parts to make the traditional healing and it is in many cases deadly. They don’t tell you that part.

Many Africans hate the Sangoma while others believe. Ignorance doesn’t seem to be an issue. They’ve been told and shown different and the practice goes on. There are many of all colours that believe there should be no mercy shown to those that commit the barbarian acts.

I’ve used words and feelings from my friend in this narrative. It would have been an injustice to not use what was gifted to me.

Children. You didn’t think this witchy wonder was going to end with just body parts of the dead did you? Not my style to just stick it in without twisting it. So here’s the twist.

I’m told I wouldn’t believe the number of times children disappear only to be found dead with body parts and organs removed. I was told sometime back that children are raped by those with AIDS who believe that sex with a virgin will cure them.

My friend also tells me that the Sangoma are like drug dealers, take one down and there is always another showing up to take their place.

Recently the Government of my country committed 2.4 Billion dollars to Africa for climate control. I’m sure you’ll excuse me for believing they are worrying about the wrong fucking climate.

G.R. Hambley ©
January 20, 2016
All rights reserved

The Killing Kind – Cecil Lion Killing

Ho Ho Muttering Ho

Ho Ho Muttering Ho

December 21, 2015 and it is an absolutely pissy day here in Toronto. It is rainy and not that cold. Cold you can dress for. You cannot dress for the damp.

While the temperatures have been what most consider, great for this time of year, not so much for me. Sure I appreciate not having to wear as much clothing and that includes not having to have needed the long underwear yet. The damp that accompanies the warmer temps means grey skies and less of the sunlight I need. Vitamin supplements can only do so much for the mindset. I need the natural.

So here we are a few days before Christmas and I am not a happy camper! I’m hearing of an expected double digit temp on the day. That’ll be nice even though it means no White Christmas for those that love snow for Christmas Day. Once upon a time in a lifetime far away I was one of those people.

Coping skills, coping skills, coping skills, through the muttering and discomfort I know what the things ae that are making me feel the way I do. Knowing what it is, is half the battle. The other half of the battle is taking care of you yourself. The depression and pain are real. It sucks and I know what is causing the pain and depression so I am better able to cope.

I know this is true for all of us. We who are chronic learn how to cope with our maladies. We all cope in the way we choose for ourselves. I hope you dear reader got that, “we all cope in the way we choose for ourselves”. We all have to own the way we choose too.

I’ve been reading a lot and writing a little. The wrapping my head around the writing this time around has been more difficult. I’m feeling the pain from Osteoarthritis more than I have in the past. Me and my doctor got a handle on it. Seeing and being straight with your doctor is part of the coping mechanism. I know it can be difficult to talk to your doctor when the pain isn’t something you can see and that others might see as a head problem. I suggest you just go see you doctor or other professional for yourself because it really is all about you and if you make you happy, well you know how the rest of that goes.

I hear poetry calling so I’m going to indulge my creative mind and put my painful mind in another compartment for a while. I’ll see if I can get a blank page to cooperate.

To y’all, all the best and remember, tomorrow the days get longer!

G.R. Hambley ©

December 21, 2015

Hallow Desire

Hallow Desire

Reading all the signs, feelings running hard in the night
Ready beyond words, been so long can’t even see straight
Each perfume a flirt, scents assaulting, every nerve sensing
Every smile given a hurt, lips parting just another curse
Don’t stop to talk, couldn’t take even the slightest touch
Keep going right on by, make your way without a word to me

Kindness is killing, sensory deprivation may be the salvation
The season is all trick with no treat, candy doesn’t ever do
Staying in the game means things can’t remain the haunting same
On it goes and goes, what’s another heart beating in malcontent
Each to one that is their own, but those so hanging on alone know
Somewhere in its time, frozen hell thawed in one fiery meant kiss

G.R. Hambley ©
October 30, 2015

Street Theatre #2 – PDA

Street Theatre #2

Public Displays of Affection

Scene Location:
1 of 4 very nice coffee spots and I’m not telling you which one.
Do I ever tell you which one?

Scene time:
7ish on a Saturday night.
Door opens:
Miss Blonde Semi Big Hair and later day Mr Saturday Night Fever enter

ACTION!

he’s got the not cool but thinks they are glasses
he’s shorter than her and with the cool guy goatee
she’s got the 5″ stilettos on
she’d be taller than him without them
she aint in to him or his antics
she says it with her eyes and postures
she isn’t in to these kind of public displays either
he goes on tip toes to kiss her ear
he’s kissing her neck
he’s kisses her cleavage
he caresses her cheek (yeah not the upper one)
she aint diggin’ this at all
he’s got the markin’ my property thing going on
she’s gettin’ angry
she moves away on pretense
he follows her grinning

WE PAUSE THIS INTERACTION, MR SATURDAY NIGHT TAKES CALL

he reaches for her and gets nothin’ but air
she’s moved away again
she so wants to just slap him
he shuffles her towards door
she’s got fire coming out her ears
HER fire almost matches red of her dress
he’s trying to corral her out the door
she trips a little cuz he’s in the way
she pushes past him out the door
he skips out behind her
she goes to car and waits
he goes to drivers side and gets in
she opens her door and gets in
she’s talkin’ the second the car door closes
she don’t look pleased
car pulls away, nice Audi

Bear names Relationship Soap Opera; “At The Brassy Rail”.

Bear has alternative more classic spaghetti western title as backup;

The Good The Bad And The Whipped

Is my delicacy with the more classic title appreciated?

Public Displays of Affection

It really isn’t that difficult a concept. I hope the guy in this story was just crass and thought he was just being affectionate but I really don’t believe so. There was to much evidence to the contrary. He was showing off for whom ever cared to look. It was a display of ownership.

I believe in the public display of affection. I even think it is cute when you see a couple with a hand in the other persons back pocket as they stroll along. The odd butt pat/pinch aint bad either. Generally delivered just to see you jump.

There are things you shouldn’t be doing male or female because they show your insecurity, your inconsideration and your territorial affliction.

Verily I testify the word that strands out in my mind is embarrassing. I saw that in the Woman’s face and demeanor. You don’t want to embarrass anyone or yourself. I can appreciate that level of affection if it was affection but in this case, it wasn’t the case.

It doesn’t take much thought to know what the boundaries are. Someone seeing what I saw could come to other conclusions than the one I made. It also makes you seriously wonder about the individuals behaviour in other settings. There are times we all have a certain amount of “it’s just strangers around” so actions between a couple have no consequence.

The thing is you just don’t know if somewhere down the road one of those strangers is going to remember you. I’m here to tell you it happens and it can be very uncomfortable. No it wasn’t what I did. It was what I saw and remembered and related at a later date.

I’m a believer of a place for everything and everything in its place. I also believe that if you’re discreet all the world is a bedroom if that is something you and your companion choose. You’re supposedly an adult so you know the risks involved. Carpe Ursine! errrrr Diem   😉

G.R. Hambley – all rights reserved
October 04, 2015

Nella Notte Cieca – Lyric Poetry

Nella Notte Cieca

Believing with all her heart someday it’ll come true
Letting the living lie slide on out the way it came
Inside where she hides from herself and the pain
Nothing she hasn’t heard and won’t let be seen again
Deceiving no one but her own closed and lonely self

Never here, never there, feels like
there’s some shadows of old fear

Inside voice calling for any love to come home
Needing so bad to be held by willing arms
The music plays on and on, no one comes to dance
Holding her own hand pretending it’s really not
Every shuffling step lead by her lonely heart

Never here, never there, feels like
there’s no one nowhere near

Nothing’s right and nothing’s wrong the old sad song
In to the darkened bedroom turning half hearted twirls
Goes to turn down the covers of her double bed for one
Her hands linger in places longing to be woken with a touch
Tears no one will ever see start and won’t stop falling till dawn

Never here, never there, feels like
there won’t ever be anyone here

G.R. Hambley ©
October 02, 2015

Consider The Elves

Consider The Elves

And consider others too

I thought of posting this on SPASM and decided against it because as unflappable as I am, I’m human too. There are things that others do that make me want to go off on them for their behaviour(s). I made the decision rather quickly to bring this piece here to the transitionu blog.

I’m a people too people and as a people please keep in mind this quote I saw and wished I’d written; “Don’t mistake my attitude for my personality. My personality is what I am. My attitude depends on what you are.”

I’m on real good terms with the elves at my coffee spots. They take good care of me and I am very considerate of them. My consideration extends to talking with the elves singularly on occasion as they know I am a Life Coach.

I also like to write and believe it or not, have coffee at my coffee spots. My coffee spots are not only functional, they are observational. I see the crap that frustrates the elves. I don’t blame them one damn bit and often wonder how they manage to be as gracious as they are.

The elves have shared their feelings with me on occasion and I decided to write about some of the things that frustrate them no end.

You see an elf, any of the fine service elves for that matter and you encounter agitation, try being a good and compassionate customer and see where that gets you. Maybe that dumb ass a couple of spots in front of you did something really over the top. If you smile and say, “having a tough one?” the elf generally comes down and appreciates that someone noticed.

As an illustration I’ll use an instance I was involved in. The elf is talking to me and the dumb ass beside me who had ear buds in, figured the elf was talking to them. This individual wasn’t pleased. After all they had to stop looking at the dam device and take one of the buds out. I admit that was quite the inconvenience! Having to actually pay the hell attention to what you’re doing is a terrible burden.

Poor elf has to tell the dumb ass she wasn’t talking to them and felt obliged to apologize to me. The look the elf got from the dumb ass wasn’t pleasant.

Dumb ass is lucky the elf interjected because I would of went off on them. Yes I will give you a dressing down if your behaviour causes unpleasantness for me for those that are unable to retort. I’m not afraid to confront those that are completely wrapped up in themselves and by consequence, treating others without consideration.

The coffee spots I go to are not restaurants. It is not take a seat and receive full service with someone to wait on you. Most of the people they serve are on a walk through. Just like a drive through but on foot.

FYI, those spots aren’t phone booths for you to duck in to off a noisy street either. Just so you know, if I could of found the nattering fools spouse, I’d of told them what I heard for subjecting me to their yapping!

To show you without question just how much the coffee spots I go to are not restaurants, you can’t get horse radish mayo for the beef brisket sandwich or mustard for the damn pretzel. I am so not pleased! But, that displeasure is an argument for a different place!

There is the odd person that has no idea on how to conduct themselves in a line up. I don’t care if all you want is something simple and straight up. The elves don’t care what you want either. The elves and me and the other people in line care about getting served in turn. Wait your damn turn and shut the hell up. The elves don’t need the abuse of the entitled who figure their time is more important than any other person’s time!

I and others do not want to listen to your entitled whining. There are some who will tell you about it when you’re misbehaving. I’m one of those that will.

Some customers stay and make use of the establishment after getting whatever it was they wanted from the walk through. Most are good about putting their waste in the garbage cans but there are a few that leave their shit behind when they leave.

I’m not a frequent user of fast food establishments but it seems every time I’ve gone in to one some self centred slob has left their garbage behind on a table. This not only bugs the elves of that establishment, it bugs me too. I really resent having to clean some thoughtless and selfish slob’s garbage off a table to use it.

The elves at these establishments aren’t real thrilled about having to clean up the crap that should of been disposed of by the customer either. I’ve seen food scraps, newspapers, lipstick tubes, business cards, coffee cups that are half filled, soiled napkins, product packaging and not from the establishment I’m in to name some.

Clean up after yourself and if you can’t do that go eat at home and leave the shit wear ever you like so I and others don’t have to clean up after your lazy dumb ass.

Next time you encounter an agitated elf, consider just maybe the elf had to be off doing something they shouldn’t have needed to do. Off doing because some thoughtless dumb ass customer with an inflated sense of entitlement didn’t pick up after themselves!

The elves of the establishments are neither indentured servants or slaves. My time is more valuable to me than your time is to me. Kindly remember these facts and govern yourself accordingly.

Just one more thing, you were in the line. You passed the display case and saw the menu boards. Have your damn mind made up when you get to the front of the line. As a general rule of thumb, you got about 30 seconds to make up your damn mind if you haven’t done so already before people behind you start getting antsy when you get to the front of the line. This living a film scene repeatedly will somewhere, sometime, cause someone behind you to ream your dumb ass and you’ll deserve it!

Gary Hambley

Certified Professional Coach
Sometimes I’m a human being. Sometimes I’m a human doing.
I’m always humane unless you put me in a position where I have to be something else.