transitionu

Life Coaching, Observations, Reflections, Things that make you go hmmmmm

Tag Archives: healing

A Marine Passes

A Marine Passes

At 1:58 am on 15 May, 2017 an American Marine passed on. To some that man was and will always be, more than a Marine.

Being a United States Marine didn’t define what the man was. Being a Marine was a part of what made up the whole man.

The man had a tough go before the irony that is the illness that eventually took his life got him. Irony in abundance. He fought the good fight with dignity and grace. Never gave up. I’m sure he thought of it as we all would in that situation. He carried on out of a love of life and family. The duty he believed was owed to himself and his family.

No one would have faulted him had he chose to move along to the next plain of his own volition. He endured that much. He cared that much to soldier on.

This man was given the last rites in Vietnam. He was subjected to derision at the very least for having gone to Vietnam when he returned home. He came home with issues and worked on those issues.

Much later on in life, he was stricken with cancer and the belief is that “Agent Orange” was the culprit. There’s your irony. It took his own country to do what the enemy couldn’t.

A number of years ago that man and I were out somewhere when I was down in Rhode Island working out some of my own issues. I do remember it was winter and damn cold.

We were walking up to the door after getting home and I asked him, “Knowing what you know, would you do it again”. This is one of those you had to be there moments. The man knew my question didn’t come out of anything but interest in how he felt and what he thought.

“Knowing what you know, would you do it again” and the reply was, “My country called”.

Not another word was spoken between us. We both knew and understood what was in the answer.

Three words made up a “you had to be there” moment. I cannot convey everything that was in those three words. You had to see the man when he said, “My country called”. I could tell you about it so you could see and understand. I can’t write what I saw that day because no amount of words is going to be able to describe that moment properly.

I spoke of that moment a couple times with people in conversation because it fit with what we were talking about. I never told anyone about this encounter that is close to the man. The conversation was between him and me and except for those few instances, that is where it stayed.

Toughest man I ever knew. One of the best men I’ve ever known too.

Semper Fi, definitely. Character, absolutely.

Francis “Frank” Connors is survived by my cousin Karen, son Eli, daughters Shannon, Sandra and Michelle. Grandchildren, more family, others who love him and by what is now, a grateful nation.

Gary Hambley, May 15, 2017

It’s LSD!

It’s LSD!

(Lazy Sunny Day)

Made time, had to slow this mad mad world down
Easing down, easing in, floating the light fantastic
A little tail spin, a sparkling diamond daze
Nodding on out, letting the sun and sounds win
Down that lazy old river and you just drift away
Eiders fluttering down, settling in the rushes
Relative of Rocky washing his disbelieving bandit eyes
In to the last bend and wanna weep like the willow
Not going to think of anyone or anything again soon
Gonna be gone baby gone to replay this play day

G.R. Hambley ©
April 12, 2017

Lost And Found – Lyric

Lost And Found

Lyric

The times wearing me on down
no time for any little thing
Sprung from the trap you set
gonna take the fast road back
Minds been made up for days
not giving explanations
Packed for the morning run
stalking off down ninety-five

          Lost and found, then on the run again
          Lost and found, then given up on again
          Lost and found, then lost again and again

Wondering how I’d let things go so far
why I hadn’t told you so sooner
Won’t ever regret calling your truth
washed your living lie off me
You said you gave all your heart
lie was that you gave it to me
Found your first love on my time
no denying the worst no one needs

          Lost and found, then on the run again
          Lost and found, then given up on again
          Lost and found, then lost again and again

Turning the key brings freedoms sweet roar
highway companion on the ready road
Salt fresh air and a see nothing stare
throwing all your words to the wind
Looking for where hell met heaven
a day the sun kissed the moon
Miles clicking by at an alarming rate
one more hour and this heart can’t wait

          Lost and found, hearts running again
          Lost and found, hearts not giving up again
          Lost and found, heart’s alive and loving again

G.R. Hambley ©
March 10, 2017

Crashing Down – Lyric

Crashing Down

Lyric

Day slides it’s way to the end
Not looking forward to going home
Turning in at that bend in the road
Rather be making a long drive alone

Sun’s last look leaves only gloom
Dark’s close to what’s got my heart
Putting a smile on top of my blue
Any reason not to have it all start

Round and round we’ll go,
     without any hope in sight
Round and round we’ll go,
     without any end to the night

Barely made it through the door
Accusations already being thrown
Shouldn’t be treating me so poor
No reason for her to be cursin’

Wondering where she’s getting this
Never ever been reason for cause
In her eyes a burning mist
Turns away leaving me at a loss

Gotten to whenever I look,
     our world is crashing down
Gotten to whenever I think,
     we’re both gonna drown

Thoughts going round so slowly
So this is caught up in a whirlpool
Hanging on to whatever saves me
Feeling like being played for a fool

Right down to the brass tacks
Come early in the morning
Gonna just make my tracks
Cuz I’m all done caring

Never saw things with you going,
     from white to black
Never saw things with you where,
     there’d be no going back

G.R. Hambley ©
August 07,2016

Witness – Lyric

Witness

(Lyric)

Looking for a little down time
.     had to get myself away
Monday morning glory
.     wasn’t happening today
Day moving hazily along
.     sun decides not to play

Clouds rolling all around
.     getting themselves together
Hoping the heavens don’t turn
.     slapping a curse on the weather
Catching the first hard drops
.     gonna be more than a shower

heard a song drifting through the rain
hurting voice singing out the pain
hopeless story sung to the angels once again

Couldn’t just walk on by
.     had to see what I hear
Saw the sorrow falling
.     in the rain her pouring tears
Singing softly the longing
.     dancing angel spinning prayers

Sight to silently behold
.     feeling like a thief
Gave everything in her heart
.     had it all was her belief
One day found it was gone away
.     still she smiles through the grief

her song carrying through the rain
her voice singing out from the pain
her story sung to the angels once again

Swaying to what only she hears
.     her body moving slowly round
Turns to give her lips to the wind
.     moving so not to be found
Letting the misery go in cries
.    staying still without a sound

Makes promises to herself
.     never having what was before
Looking close you see
.     dark storm passed over
Sun shine of an angel’s face
.     she’s free to love once more

heard that a song could chase the rain
healing voice singing out freed of pain
hopeful story sung to the angels once again

G.R. Hambley ©
July 19, 2016

If You Dare – lyric

If You Dare

Lyric

Once in a time
that was better than anything in your mind
Not so strange
in a world where love’s made such a change
Removed from solitaire
in the so many ways she makes me dare
One so brave
shines so bright over one that was so naive

So it’s you, had to be someone with so much of you
Yeah it’s you, been looking everywhere for you

A small hunch
there’s one but it could be just far too much
So it begins
the first of all those suddenly heavenly things
Within my reach
can almost taste those lips when you speak
Learning to hear
can’t stop leaning closer with that kiss so near

So it’s you, had to be someone with so much of you
Yeah it’s you, been looking everywhere for you

Fire rises high
got to trust the sound of your gentle sighs
Hold on heart
sweet need in that kiss sealing we’ll never part
Feels so right
how’d I never know it was you before tonight
So I dared
lost to found you’re the angel who’s always cared

So it’s you, had to be someone with so much of you
Yeah it’s you, been looking everywhere for you

G.R. Hambley ©
April 24, 2016

Chronological Listing

Why And Why Not

Why And Why Not

It has been an absolutely shitty year for death in the music industry and it’s just mid March.

The latest, a couple days ago was Keith Emerson of ELP. Yeah sure, you can call them Emerson, Lake and Palmer if you like but not many people I know do.

I’m not going to get in to naming names as I’d surely miss a couple and someone would take great delight in telling me about it. I’m not going to get in to the contributions to the art of those that have passed either.

To all those that went away, they mattered to each and every one of us in our own way. That is enough for us and I believe knowing they touched us is enough for them too.

The icons we grew with that have been such an important part of our lives all the way along the path of life and now in to the backside of our own lives are falling. We miss them and we remember the pieces of ourselves and our lives that they were part of. No, they didn’t for the most part know first personal of each of us but they damn well knew what they meant to us.

Keith Emerson’s passing has a far different feel for us because it was suicide. The range of emotions is greater and rawer within us when death is self inflicted. The things people say are rawer when death is brought on by our own hand.

Some say heartless and hurtful statements. I disagree to a point. The point is there are those who look to be hurtful and thankfully the hurtful ones are few.

So very many that make what others call heartless and hurtful are in reality expressing how they feel suffering their own loss. I can see the statements as thoughtless but not heartless. I can see those hurtful statements as striking back because what you did hurt me.

What I’ve heard and read about Keith Emerson’s physical being, degenerative arthritis where he’d already lost the use of 2 fingers and for certain was going to lose the use of all his fingers. Could he have written? I’m sure he could have written. I’m just as sure no one would be able to play just from the written music the way Emerson heard it.

I and many know about chronic pain and degenerative. I know the pain and anguish. I know how useless I’d feel were I not able to write. I can understand completely being able to do something oh so very well and then not being able to do it anymore. I don’t think I could bear to lose the word my way.

A few comments I’d seen on the suicide said, “Selfish”.

I said this;

His life, like anyone else, to do with as they choose. You don’t get a vote. The emotionalism attached to any pain is 100% real.

A damn tragedy yes. Could it have been prevented? No one will ever know and have to believe because he didn’t reach out, no. No more than the breaking down of his body. I think he’d reached the point where he wasn’t asking himself why and was asking why not.

Why and why not? Many and I am one of them will tell you, when you find yourself asking yourself why take your own life you have a problem. When you stop asking “why” and start asking yourself, “why not” you are in much deeper trouble. I hope if you ever find yourself in that, “why not” place you find it somewhere within yourself to reach out for help.

I use a music service and have a few playlists. One of those playlists I named, “Soulful” and ELP’s “Lucky Man” is the first tune in the list. It is both tragedy and irony that Keith Emerson’s went as he did. The end of life mimicking his own art. A bullet found Keith Emerson well before the bullet from the gun did, “no money could save him, so he laid down and he died”.

G.R. Hambley ©
March 14, 2016

Now It’s Twenty Seven Years!

Now it’s twenty seven years!

Celebrating the unhappy anniversary number of twenty and seven. I generally do a bells check at the anniversary date. By bells I mean the state of me physically and emotionally. There are other bells and the last time I checked they were all still where they belong.

Been doing this self assessment for a number of years at the anniversary date because it helps me take an honest look at the changes in me over the last year.

For those of you new to me, I have presented in the past that it was an MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident), March 5th, 1989 that my life changed in an instant. That I was rear ended is about all you need to know here.

The anniversary refers more to the aftermath than the accident itself. I am now 27 years without a pain free day. I was thinking about being pain free and I simply cannot remember anymore what that it was like to be without pain. For me, like many others, pain is normal, pain is usual, pain is a constant. Hell, I don’t even wonder anymore what it would be like to be, at least on occasion, pain free. I imagine it is just the same for other chronic pain sufferers that have endured the very long haul.

The last year had a drug change for me. The change in consultation with my Doctor has me taking something beyond acetaminophen. Been taking the drug for about 6 months now and this thing has its merits and its pitfalls. The drug is Gabapentin which was designed for epileptics to block signals from the brain to nerves. The drug is also used by those including me that do not suffer from epilepsy.

The drug doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot for the Osteoarthritis. What points the drug hit certainly give much appreciated relief. A few years back I was receiving nerve blocker shots once a week. Duration of the effect was about 2 ½ days and there were so many spots to hit all areas couldn’t be hit. Only so much of the solution you could have in a week. The day of getting the shots was rough, just wanted to get home and lie down for 2 or 3 hours after the procedure.

The capsules daily, for me, a far better management mechanism!

I’ve stated previously my reasoning on why I didn’t take much of anything for pain. For me it is all about the cognitive. If I don’t have the cognitive functionality I am going to be one very unhappy individual! Using Gabapentin I remain cognitively fine. The side effect of some physical wobbles isn’t so bad. Especially not bad if you bump in to someone soft and not a wall!

This “El Nino” winter has been more challenging than last year when it was a frigid one. I went so far last year as to name the 2nd month of the year, “FrickUary”. I’m also S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) so by this time of the winter I’ve had more than enough of it for several people! The only thing that really works for me is natural light, sunshine. Even in January and February, if it’s cold and sunny I’m generally not bad. I do take vitamin and mineral supplements as worked out with my Doctor.

This year it has been very warm, very damp and with very little sunshine. I’ve felt it big time. The winter blues magnified greatly. I was more output visibly productive writing last year in “FrickUary” than I was this year in February. I have a few things on the go including a major poetic work.

Visible output, I have a standard that I set for myself. I only compete with myself and that is big enough task for anyone. Competing with yourself, challenging yourself. I’ve done that big time in the last year by finally getting lyric poetry down and down real well. “Baby Be Mine” was the last one I wrote and I’m especially fond of “From The Stars” for the lyric and the photograph of mine.

I’ve had to pay closer attention and examine myself as the drug masks sensation. There has been more noticeable deterioration this year. I do fidget more and believe in some way the fidgeting is a benefit from having some degree of pain relief. I think better when I move so this is very good! Seeing me writing is a strange sight indeed to those who don’t know me.

The book that is still in progress on my experience with chronic pain, my narrative writing has become better in the last year. I’ve been in and out of that endeavour some. Don’t know if I should have been on that book more or not. I’m going to go with the chronic pain book is in the exact spot it is supposed to be in at this point in time.

I added a second blog spot in the past year. That blog spot, SPASM Canada is where I can exorcise my intelligent donkey more freely. My idea of the separation of church and state if you like.

I’ve had a few blessings this year and one very special one in particular that has been a wonderful help creatively and personally a good friend.

Dealing with pain, any pain, is never easy. Physical pain plays on us emotionally as well. We all have to find our own way to cope and hopefully we don’t get lost in the journey.

I know I’ll continue along the path a little slower and with no less resolve. I’ll have another update for you next year on this date.

Take care of you and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

G.R. Hambley
March 05, 2016

PS … An intelligent donkey is a smart ass and I’m a good one!

Ho Ho Muttering Ho

Ho Ho Muttering Ho

December 21, 2015 and it is an absolutely pissy day here in Toronto. It is rainy and not that cold. Cold you can dress for. You cannot dress for the damp.

While the temperatures have been what most consider, great for this time of year, not so much for me. Sure I appreciate not having to wear as much clothing and that includes not having to have needed the long underwear yet. The damp that accompanies the warmer temps means grey skies and less of the sunlight I need. Vitamin supplements can only do so much for the mindset. I need the natural.

So here we are a few days before Christmas and I am not a happy camper! I’m hearing of an expected double digit temp on the day. That’ll be nice even though it means no White Christmas for those that love snow for Christmas Day. Once upon a time in a lifetime far away I was one of those people.

Coping skills, coping skills, coping skills, through the muttering and discomfort I know what the things ae that are making me feel the way I do. Knowing what it is, is half the battle. The other half of the battle is taking care of you yourself. The depression and pain are real. It sucks and I know what is causing the pain and depression so I am better able to cope.

I know this is true for all of us. We who are chronic learn how to cope with our maladies. We all cope in the way we choose for ourselves. I hope you dear reader got that, “we all cope in the way we choose for ourselves”. We all have to own the way we choose too.

I’ve been reading a lot and writing a little. The wrapping my head around the writing this time around has been more difficult. I’m feeling the pain from Osteoarthritis more than I have in the past. Me and my doctor got a handle on it. Seeing and being straight with your doctor is part of the coping mechanism. I know it can be difficult to talk to your doctor when the pain isn’t something you can see and that others might see as a head problem. I suggest you just go see you doctor or other professional for yourself because it really is all about you and if you make you happy, well you know how the rest of that goes.

I hear poetry calling so I’m going to indulge my creative mind and put my painful mind in another compartment for a while. I’ll see if I can get a blank page to cooperate.

To y’all, all the best and remember, tomorrow the days get longer!

G.R. Hambley ©

December 21, 2015

Realize It’s Over – Lyric

Realize It’s Over

It’s about taking time to take time
There just hasn’t been much at all
Call comes in on the telephone line
Answering for you, no not this night
Maybe no answer for you at all
Easier this way it seems to me to be
Far easier to just be this way in every way
Ringing goes on and off all night

Not seeing you, not feeling you,
Can’t you see it, can’t you feel it,
Strange I’m just not missing you

One more day with no great scenes
Moving on to being my own soul driver
It had to be so why can’t you just agree
Make someone else over in your way
Passing on going down with no return
And you know I tried to be that guy
Couldn’t keep me and stay that way so
Time has come to say our last goodbye

Not ever gonna see you, not ever gonna feel you,
You’re gonna see it, you’re gonna believe it,
See how it is when I’m just not missing you

G.R. Hambley ©
August 11, 2015