transitionu

Life Coaching, Observations, Reflections, Things that make you go hmmmmm

Tag Archives: healing

If I Can Do It

If I Can Do It

If I can do it, you can do it!

The truth is, no, you can’t do what I do. Before you hurt yourself, or someone else, stop it!

I was asked about how I felt about the statement, “If I can do it, you can do it”. The asker’s context had to do with the statement as applied to someone with an addiction.

We aren’t talking trivialities here. This is not about the annoyance of someone who can and someone who can’t put a dish in the dishwasher.

The question was given to me with the following;
Not only was the tone condescending, the phrase itself seems to  imply “no matter how difficult your struggle may be, mine was even more so, yet I overcame it. So you really have no excuse.”

Lets move to the application of that phrase that we have no problem accepting, advertising.  Silly people think running that phrase out is a motivator and will boost sales.

My response included not only my disdain for that “Then you can” statement and the attackers who run it out as well as my disgust with the, “Give it your 110%” crowd. You aint got 110% so stop trying to give what you aint got! It’s making you nuts, stop it!

On any given day your 100% is different. Some days you’ll accomplish more. Some days you’ll accomplish less. Most days, you’ll accomplish about the same. At the end of the day if you can honestly say you gave it your 100%, you’re doing just fine. If you’re being told your 100% isn’t good enough, exploring why isn’t a bad thing to do.

Back to the main feature, “If I can do it, you can do it”.

That statement/action hits a few of my trigger points bang on. The passive/aggressive and the emotionally controlling brought to you by your local know nothing at all.

The term we’re talking about here is “Attack Therapy”. I do not believe in that approach because I believe attacking someone is going to result in failure. Then of course there is the fact the person being attacked isn’t at their best. You just don’t know what your attacking is going to do to an already problem psyche!

If “Attack Therapy” is something you believe you need, punch this in to your search engine, “Landmark Forum Attack Therapy”. I went to one of Landmark’s information sessions; couldn’t believe the audacity of one of Landmark’s individuals getting up in my face and not wanting to back down.

My masthead way up there says, “Certified Professional Coach”. The guy at Landmark Forum who was  up in my face, he wasn’t. No matter how much he wanted to believe or have me think he is a coach, he wasn’t and never will be; at least not a good one. He hasn’t got the sensitivity required and being trained in “Attack Therapy”, he never will because he is about beating you down in to submission and building you up in the Landmark Image.

I wasn’t in the least pleased with this individuals acting out. You could also call the display, “Displaying”. Look that up in your guide to the animal kingdom. We’re animals too folks.

I  made a bold statement myself, “no, you can’t do it”. My statement will cause some to be angry with me and others to think I’m full of it. Fair enough. I get it. I understand the mindset.

I’m asking that you process this a little different. I’m talking about an encounter that angered me. I was angry and didn’t flat out blast the perpetrator. I needed to find out just how full of shit this guy was and plan my counterattack. We can call it “Compose my rebuttal” if you prefer.

Getting someone backed down or brought down without creating a scene, quickly, one of my skills. Throwing your hands in the air, turning your back and walking away does not constitute deescalating the situation and making your point. It is important to make your point so the other person knows just how much you appreciated their action(s)!

“You did it so I can do it” you say? Maybe you can. Maybe you got in your personal makeup what I and some others got in our personal makeup. Having that makeup doesn’t give you the right to embarrass, humiliate or attempt to control someone. Fact is, if you really got the parts, you wouldn’t of laid that trip round the psyche on your victim.

Well “La Dee Da” is what a few have given to me in response to me talking about things I don’t do.

The defence mechanism of belief that says I am being condescending and seeing the person I’m speaking with as inferior to me. The belief that I’ve just told them, “If I can do it, you can do it”.

That belief position doesn’t stay with the individual for long because I won’t have it! They are enlightened directly. I don’t use, “You’ve offended me snowflake tactics” to enlighten those people either. Doing so would be an emotionally controlling tactic and that’s just wrong.

For those encounters to have happened at all means these people have been subjected to the “If I can do it, you can do it”, emotional control people have tried to exert on them.

There are far better ways than attacking to stimulate, motivate and support people.

A few days ago I got talking with an individual and the problem is addiction and the person came right out and said it in their telling me of their upset.

I just let the person go. When there was a falter after the initial rush, I said one word to the person, “Headspace”. The person shrugged and exhaled and very softly said, “yeah”.

I just waited and then I did something else that I can do and you can’t. I told the individual that they, “Absolutely Should” do something. I’m also very big on not telling people what they should do. The “If I can do it, you can do it” statement is also telling someone what they should do.

When I let loose the, “You absolutely should”, it was as affirmation and support. The individual was lamenting about not speaking up and letting their feelings be known.

I saw the person a couple days later. In a better frame of mind and with a thank you for me.

I tried a couple times informally working with people who have addiction and eventually I had to cut all ties. It had to be done and it wasn’t pleasant.

I don’t deal with addiction. I do not have the skill set to work with people with addiction. Just because someone else can do it doesn’t mean I can.

I aint got the parts and I know it. Those parts include wanting to and I don’t.

If you could see my contacts at a certain site, you would see a number of people with the word “Psycho” in their job title. These are the people you wanna talk to. Along with the physicality and emotionality of addiction there is the brain chemistry to be considered. These are the people that got a skill set you may need.

Those people can do it with addiction, I can’t and never will. This is called knowing and understanding your limitations.

G.R. Hambley ©
July 08, 2018
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Rite of Passage or Practical Indignancy 101

Rite of Passage or Practical Indignancy 101

On 2 June, 2017 I made the visit to the new to me Pain Clinic I spoke of in my eHealth Ontario piece.

I went in with the information sheets filled out. Didn’t pull any punches on the forms. One of the questions was, “What would you like your doctor to do with the pain”. My written response, “Give it to the individual that hit me”. If you know me, you damn well know I did so write it down and you’re laughing because doing that is so me!

Yes, I brought out some theatre. Yes I brought out some of my intelligent donkey and yes I made it known I wasn’t pleased to be having to do the same things again because there is next to nothing in the way of records attached to me.

Put more simply, you gotta rise to the occasion!

I went in there prepared to make a stand and with an open mind. Both objectives were accomplished.

No nonsense, no pretense, no side stepping. Oddly as I was being examined, I was never questioned about my answer to the “what do you want done with your pain” question.

You’d think the Docs would of wanted to discuss my B.A. (bad attitude) but nary a word.

The initial questioning was done by a resident. Poor dear girl, exposing one so young to a mind like this.

Going through the info sheets and the Resident asking me if there was anything else that made the pain feel better, and I said, “Not without a partner”. A blank look on a doctor’s face after you’ve answered their question, priceless! I don’t know how anyone else feels but, I don’t think you should have to explain the benefits of sex to a doctor, even one in training.

It is incumbent on you to tell your health care professionals the truth. It is in your best interest to be emotionally present when discussing your condition(s). They have to know your mindset as well as your physical status. Complete communication is not an invitation to go off on a rant. A rant  is singular expression and not communication in a good way.

The simple explanation is that there is a long history of dealing with chronic pain attached to me and I still have chapters to go. I had a lot to say and I did a lot of talking during this examination.

No, no seeing doctors as Gods by me. Doctors are just body mechanics. I’ll grant you they oversee the most complex machines on the planet but they’re still mechanics.

I made certain both doctors, the anesthesiology resident and the specialist were clear on what I wouldn’t do. A stand had to be made. I am simply not going to keep doing what doesn’t work and relating it to new faces any longer.

I’ve been dealing with chronic pain far longer than those that need it will receive palliative care. My demand is simple, give me the same considerations in my medical dealings with chronic pain that would be given to an individual in Palliative care.

Palliative care is a multidisciplinary approach to specialized medical care for people with life-limiting illnesses. It focuses on providing people with relief from the symptoms, pain, physical stress, and mental stress of the terminal diagnosis.

I’ve been living with chronic pain almost 1/2 my life. Oddly mine too is Osteoarthritis. What the court did is good because the Feds didn’t get it correct with Bill C-14, Medical Assisted Dying and that piece of legislation still needs work.

Let’s not be reading things in to the statements I’m making that aren’t there. I’ve a 150 year life plan that is my harmless little fantasy so leave me the hell alone.

Part of your decision must come from dealing with the reality of your own impending death. You are setting a termination date for yourself and that reality may help you examine your pain more closely. I would hope the death reality would make you examine more closely.

I’m tired of building the history when I have to see someone new. Hell. I’m tired of seeing the new. I’m tired of the slight variations in a molecular chain that just might make a positive difference for me. But we’ll have to try different dosages to see which will work, if any of course.

I enjoy my mind quite a bit. With all that goes on up there in my head space, I love my mind. Of course I talk to myself a lot. But then I show other people the conversations I’ve had with myself. This is called writing and it is how writing gets done. Talking to yourself and not writing it down is called something entirely different.

We are talking antidepressants here. Depression was part of the consultation conversation. By definition I am depressed. Going by the definition given to me by one pain clinic doctor, I’ve been depressed 30 days less than I’ve had pain. I wasn’t real pleased when the event took place so let’s call it 20 days.

I’m tired of having my brain chemistry tinkered with so I’m not going to take on the new old with a slightly different chain. I’m not taking it on despite telling the Doctor in charge that I would. Yup, I flat out lied to the Doctor. The Doc got to feel  good that he’d done something good for me and I got him to stop pulling out stops.

I’m a creative. My mind is never off. I’ve been through this idea of treatment before and I can show you in my journal where my handwriting changes back to what it was when I stopped taking those mind altering drugs previously.

I’m still trying to figure out how me sleeping 25% longer, keeping me horizontal 25% longer is going to make me feel better. Especially so when the problem is I have to get up and move around to feel better. Doc didn’t have an answer for that.

The Doc did make the point of all drugs affecting the mind and that is true BUT, not all drugs directly affect cognizance and antidepressants do.

The consultation wrapped up and the primary clinic doc looks at me and says, “Degenerative” and I looked right back at him and said, “Yup”.

My demeanor and disposition are much improved with the decisions I’ve made. I’m not shutting off and tuning out. You present me a possible treatment option that is new and I’ll listen.

I know this stuff and if I need more help I’ll ask. I’ll keep regular with my primary pain doctor so he’s up to speed on what’s slowing me down.

I shall go forward in life happier because I’ve eliminated a major stressor!

G.R. Hambley ©
June 22, 2017

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A Hair Piece

A Hair Piece

I had a grand plan. I came up with a work around regarding an emotional attachment. Then I discovered something so close to the culmination that I do know; complete the research before beginning enactment of your grand plan.

I’d planned, quietly, letting my hair grow to donate it. Three people were told of my plan as it was getting close to cutting the tail time for this tale. As far as anyone was concerned through the growing, I was just growing the pony tail because I really like it, which I do.

I’ve been doing this for a LONG time!

GRH Hair June 06 2017 - 03

I’ve written about walking the talking you do. I don’t know how many times I’ve said to people, “I do what I can” and I do.

I wrote another piece about me opting out on the pink in October campaign and why.

Another factor in my decision to grow out my hair for donation was familial. Some serious irony in this man’s passing.

The emotional attachment, I love my pony tail, I really do. The work around, let it grow for another couple months and then I’d still have enough to both donate and keep the tail going. A win/win situation.

The reason my pony tail won’t be accepted, I have more than 5% grey in my hair. You can read all about donating your hair for cancer here. The fact that the wig program is just for women (also news to me) and therefore not equal is to my mind, so unfair. I’m okay with the women only designation though.

I’m told by a woman that I related my tail tale of woe to, she’d thought of doing the same, donating her hair. The reasoning for not more than 5% grey I’m told is because grey hair cannot be dyed.

Been doing the managing of this mop that long too!

GRH Hair June 06 2017 - 02GRH Hair June 06 2017 - 01

I’ve related what I’ve encountered to ½ a dozen people now. Those people can’t understand why grey hair wouldn’t be wanted. Perhaps we should get the People at “Pantene Beautiful Lengths” in touch with the people at “Dove” and their campaign for real beauty.

My audience during one of my relatings, a woman and a man. We were talking a bit about the grey factor. I said that (there’s that damn modicum of decorum again) I’ve seen older women with the silver/grey look and they were smokin’. The man laughed at the older women comment and I told him I was looking for a frame of reference.

Had there not been a woman present and he’d laughed after what I’d said, my comment after reference would have been vastly different. Don’t ask!

Yes I’m emotionally present, a romance poet and still a guy!

Perhaps the grand plan of some other entity was for my plan to come apart so I’d write the tale and share it with the world.

I do what I can do. The donation of my hair was something I really wanted to do. It would be doing as I say in a number of ways, “Making my little piece of the world better”.

I make my little piece better, you make your little piece better, we got a better world. Simple stuff really.

G.R. Hambley ©
June 06, 2016

Curios

Curios

Curios

Curios

Mine is mine and to each their own
so whom are we to pass judgement

One’s choices predicated upon
by how you my dear individual perceive

Reapers, the purveyors of goods grim
honouring both dollar and ritual

But just because you can
does it mean you should indulge the macabre

Incendiary with a highly volatile fuse
fostering unspoken mortification

Done from love by loss
as inherently personal as love’s little death

Memories tactile, both taking away
and in embracing the pain

Open wide to holding up a mirror
reflection upon your hurting self

Morbid, magnificent, maudlin, majestic
what else could be said of selections such

Each and every with their unique curio
memory memorabilia a curious thing

Nature ‘tis of we mournful beasts
displaying in so many ways

Turning cheek, both other and off if you please
my crass, your cats ass

One tap, two tap, three, forever remains in me

G.R. Hambley ©
June 01, 2017

I made an error in formatting on the original post. The error is now corrected. The poetry has not changed.

A Marine Passes

A Marine Passes

At 1:58 am on 15 May, 2017 an American Marine passed on. To some that man was and will always be, more than a Marine.

Being a United States Marine didn’t define what the man was. Being a Marine was a part of what made up the whole man.

The man had a tough go before the irony that is the illness that eventually took his life got him. Irony in abundance. He fought the good fight with dignity and grace. Never gave up. I’m sure he thought of it as we all would in that situation. He carried on out of a love of life and family. The duty he believed was owed to himself and his family.

No one would have faulted him had he chose to move along to the next plain of his own volition. He endured that much. He cared that much to soldier on.

This man was given the last rites in Vietnam. He was subjected to derision at the very least for having gone to Vietnam when he returned home. He came home with issues and worked on those issues.

Much later on in life, he was stricken with cancer and the belief is that “Agent Orange” was the culprit. There’s your irony. It took his own country to do what the enemy couldn’t.

A number of years ago that man and I were out somewhere when I was down in Rhode Island working out some of my own issues. I do remember it was winter and damn cold.

We were walking up to the door after getting home and I asked him, “Knowing what you know, would you do it again”. This is one of those you had to be there moments. The man knew my question didn’t come out of anything but interest in how he felt and what he thought.

“Knowing what you know, would you do it again” and the reply was, “My country called”.

Not another word was spoken between us. We both knew and understood what was in the answer.

Three words made up a “you had to be there” moment. I cannot convey everything that was in those three words. You had to see the man when he said, “My country called”. I could tell you about it so you could see and understand. I can’t write what I saw that day because no amount of words is going to be able to describe that moment properly.

I spoke of that moment a couple times with people in conversation because it fit with what we were talking about. I never told anyone about this encounter that is close to the man. The conversation was between him and me and except for those few instances, that is where it stayed.

Toughest man I ever knew. One of the best men I’ve ever known too.

Semper Fi, definitely. Character, absolutely.

Francis “Frank” Connors is survived by my cousin Karen, son Eli, daughters Shannon, Sandra and Michelle. Grandchildren, more family, others who love him and by what is now, a grateful nation.

Gary Hambley, May 15, 2017

It’s LSD!

It’s LSD!

(Lazy Sunny Day)

Made time, had to slow this mad mad world down
Easing down, easing in, floating the light fantastic
A little tail spin, a sparkling diamond daze
Nodding on out, letting the sun and sounds win
Down that lazy old river and you just drift away
Eiders fluttering down, settling in the rushes
Relative of Rocky washing his disbelieving bandit eyes
In to the last bend and wanna weep like the willow
Not going to think of anyone or anything again soon
Gonna be gone baby gone to replay this play day

G.R. Hambley ©
April 12, 2017

Lost And Found – Lyric

Lost And Found

Lyric

The times wearing me on down
no time for any little thing
Sprung from the trap you set
gonna take the fast road back
Minds been made up for days
not giving explanations
Packed for the morning run
stalking off down ninety-five

          Lost and found, then on the run again
          Lost and found, then given up on again
          Lost and found, then lost again and again

Wondering how I’d let things go so far
why I hadn’t told you so sooner
Won’t ever regret calling your truth
washed your living lie off me
You said you gave all your heart
lie was that you gave it to me
Found your first love on my time
no denying the worst no one needs

          Lost and found, then on the run again
          Lost and found, then given up on again
          Lost and found, then lost again and again

Turning the key brings freedoms sweet roar
highway companion on the ready road
Salt fresh air and a see nothing stare
throwing all your words to the wind
Looking for where hell met heaven
a day the sun kissed the moon
Miles clicking by at an alarming rate
one more hour and this heart can’t wait

          Lost and found, hearts running again
          Lost and found, hearts not giving up again
          Lost and found, heart’s alive and loving again

G.R. Hambley ©
March 10, 2017

Crashing Down – Lyric

Crashing Down

Lyric

Day slides it’s way to the end
Not looking forward to going home
Turning in at that bend in the road
Rather be making a long drive alone

Sun’s last look leaves only gloom
Dark’s close to what’s got my heart
Putting a smile on top of my blue
Any reason not to have it all start

Round and round we’ll go,
     without any hope in sight
Round and round we’ll go,
     without any end to the night

Barely made it through the door
Accusations already being thrown
Shouldn’t be treating me so poor
No reason for her to be cursin’

Wondering where she’s getting this
Never ever been reason for cause
In her eyes a burning mist
Turns away leaving me at a loss

Gotten to whenever I look,
     our world is crashing down
Gotten to whenever I think,
     we’re both gonna drown

Thoughts going round so slowly
So this is caught up in a whirlpool
Hanging on to whatever saves me
Feeling like being played for a fool

Right down to the brass tacks
Come early in the morning
Gonna just make my tracks
Cuz I’m all done caring

Never saw things with you going,
     from white to black
Never saw things with you where,
     there’d be no going back

G.R. Hambley ©
August 07,2016

Witness – Lyric

Witness

(Lyric)

Looking for a little down time
.     had to get myself away
Monday morning glory
.     wasn’t happening today
Day moving hazily along
.     sun decides not to play

Clouds rolling all around
.     getting themselves together
Hoping the heavens don’t turn
.     slapping a curse on the weather
Catching the first hard drops
.     gonna be more than a shower

heard a song drifting through the rain
hurting voice singing out the pain
hopeless story sung to the angels once again

Couldn’t just walk on by
.     had to see what I hear
Saw the sorrow falling
.     in the rain her pouring tears
Singing softly the longing
.     dancing angel spinning prayers

Sight to silently behold
.     feeling like a thief
Gave everything in her heart
.     had it all was her belief
One day found it was gone away
.     still she smiles through the grief

her song carrying through the rain
her voice singing out from the pain
her story sung to the angels once again

Swaying to what only she hears
.     her body moving slowly round
Turns to give her lips to the wind
.     moving so not to be found
Letting the misery go in cries
.    staying still without a sound

Makes promises to herself
.     never having what was before
Looking close you see
.     dark storm passed over
Sun shine of an angel’s face
.     she’s free to love once more

heard that a song could chase the rain
healing voice singing out freed of pain
hopeful story sung to the angels once again

G.R. Hambley ©
July 19, 2016

If You Dare – lyric

If You Dare

Lyric

Once in a time
that was better than anything in your mind
Not so strange
in a world where love’s made such a change
Removed from solitaire
in the so many ways she makes me dare
One so brave
shines so bright over one that was so naive

So it’s you, had to be someone with so much of you
Yeah it’s you, been looking everywhere for you

A small hunch
there’s one but it could be just far too much
So it begins
the first of all those suddenly heavenly things
Within my reach
can almost taste those lips when you speak
Learning to hear
can’t stop leaning closer with that kiss so near

So it’s you, had to be someone with so much of you
Yeah it’s you, been looking everywhere for you

Fire rises high
got to trust the sound of your gentle sighs
Hold on heart
sweet need in that kiss sealing we’ll never part
Feels so right
how’d I never know it was you before tonight
So I dared
lost to found you’re the angel who’s always cared

So it’s you, had to be someone with so much of you
Yeah it’s you, been looking everywhere for you

G.R. Hambley ©
April 24, 2016

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